Vampire Pizza Guy
by G 9000
Summary: The life and adventures of a regular guy who hates vampires and pizza and ends up delivering pizzas while being a vampire. All while taking care of his little sister and his cousin. Mostly set in the cannon's shadows.
**I've always wanted to make a story about the vampire pizza guy from the movie. You know the one who delivers the pizza and then gets violently stabbed by Sarah and dies? Yes that one! I really hope I actually finish this story cause if I actually do it'll be awesome!**

 **Vampire Pizza Guy**

Hey there, I guess since you're all here I'll tell you my life story. First and foremost I really hate pizza. Like really really! It's got to be the worst food I've ever tasted. Oh and I also have a little sister: cutest being in the galaxy. Yup those two were things I could allays fall back on. My sister being a cute energetic ray of sunshine and pizza being awful.

Though that didn't last all that long. well it kind of did but those days seem so far back... In fact I was just recently scolding my sister about her appearance while scarfing down large quantities of pizza, but that's a story for another time. Right now I'm still talking about the good old days. I'd bicker with my sister over pizza, go out with my friends, cram for school and hang with my cousin and cheer him up when he felt down.

Yeah my cousin. I don't know what to think about that guy. He wasn't all that good at making friends and his parents were kind of not into him all that much. They provided for him and all and they talked regularly, but there just wasn't any 'heart' when they talked to him. But my mom really liked him so he'd sometimes pick up my sister after school and look after her until I got back. Then we'd play together or entertain ourselves until he had to go home and do his homework.

Jeremy, that was his name. He was always this scaredy kid that was always afraid of doing stuff he wanted. From what i could see it was just eating him on the inside. He was always kind of depressed so I thought hanging with me and my sister would be good for him in a way.

Jeremy's smile was always so strained, though he always kept it on. I always hoped someday it would crack, preferably in front of one of his bullies, so he'd show the guy a piece of his mind. But back then I didn't know that I'd ever regret ever hoping for that to happen, ever.

You see, one day I was going home from school when I saw him casually going towards the house. I opened the door and entered, my back facing towards the inside of the house as I invited him in, which was strike one. Then I smiled at him and invited him in. Strike two. I was on a roll! You see that time his smile looked way more relaxed which made me happy. Happy enough to drown out whatever the hell my sister was screaming at me from behind.

The next moment my heart leaped. I turned around and saw my cute little sister, battered and bruised, with her fist buried inside my shy cousin's mouth, which was looming over my shoulder. My sister had tears in her eyes as she screamed for me to help her. I tried tackling Jeremy, but he just sidestepped and tried to smash my sister's skull in floor. Luckily she buried her fist in it instead.

At the time I wondered how they were so strong. It was only later that I realized how this was a full vampire vs fledgling fight. And subsequently how awesome my sister was for keeping up with a full vampire. Anyway she managed to immobilize him eventually by using the cross in her hand to distract him for a moment. Which was a apparently enough for her to throw him out into the sunshine, pin him down and rip his shirt so the sunlight would weaken him. Thank God the sun was shining at the time!

And then I smashed his face in with a metal pipe, twice, before he lost consciousness. I was in shock, the pipe was so red 'Is he dead?', 'Was this just a short-lived snap?' 'Was he actually good?', 'But then why did he attack Jesse?', 'Will I go to prison?'. But all those thoughts went away once I heard my sister sobbing. It was a sickening feeling deep down in the pit of my stomach. That's the moment where I concluded that my cousin was nothing other than sick. Since he made me feel such a sickening feeling.

And since that day I never thought otherwise. I then grabbed my sobbing sister, who was clutching her smoking right hand, and carried her to the couch, closing the door behind me, never looking back.

That night, my parents came home to a trashed house, with me and my sister sleeping on the couch, dried tears in both our eyes. The next morning I was informed that the only reason they didn't wake us up and yell at us was the single note I had left on the wall in bold letters "JEREMY SNAPPED". I'm to this day so happy that I didn't see their, particularly mom's expression when they read that.

We all called sick the next day and stood home. And that's the story of why I missed the first day of school. And to think I'd been dreading that day for weeks. Maybe I should've just became a seer then and there and become Random Seer Guy #2, see I didn't even need to be first. Maybe next time.

I was still confused over what had happened and my sister wasn't opening her door to answer questions, not that I blamed her. My parents dialed my aunt and from what I heard she wouldn't stop apologizing, but she didn't know where Jeremy was. I presumed they would contact the police so I stopped eavesdropping.

I then just stood in my room and not having anything better to do I took a random comic and started skimming over the pages, 'Deadpool', it's generally pretty good but I couldn't seem to really bury myself in the story. This all felt so unreal at the time. I kept remembering my sister punching a hole through the floor and my head just kept feeling light and I kept reading to try and distract myself.

Around a hour in, I heard that knock on the window. It wasn't like someone was throwing rocks or something. No. Someone was actually knocking.

And that scared me then. I actually remember almost pissing myself. I didn't even turn around, I just stood where I was, unmoving thinking it would go away if I ignored it. Heh!

"Get over here, open the window and let me in or else I'll grab this house and throw it in space." that voice belonged to someone who was obviously pissed. My heart was beating unusually fast and my feet were shaking but I moved over there and opened the window.

Once I did the amused head of an amused person peaked in and asked me mockingly "May I come in?". I gulped and nodded my head. I mean that guy was levitating. In the air! As my legs shook I grabbed the wall near my window and slowly steadied myself down until I was sitting on the floor. I still remember his amused chuckle as he sat down against me.

I was afraid to look him in the eyes, or face, or his body in general so I just stared at the floor. I was thinking the most amusing things back then, apparently trying to distract myself. I to this day remember the exact shape of the little figures of my carpet, complete with the exact shade of orange my carpet was. Until that day I hadn't even realized my carpet was orange! The things you learn while being in mortal danger, ladies and gentlemen!

Anyway the guy, Jessie, as I would later find out, was still keeping me under pressure when the sudden ringing of his phone had me squealing like a pig and ready to jump out my window. I was at that point on my feet and clutching the wall when I saw Jessie's feet shuffle in a manner that indicated he was standing up. His phone was ringing which freaked me out at the time. 'Who was calling him? Death?', 'Oh my god I don't wanna die! Where are the police when you need them? I want prison!' See? Amusing!

Then I vaguely remember him saying something and pass me the phone, probably to traumatize me more. He told me it was his girlfriend which caused me to hyperventilate, which was bad since she mistook it for moaning. And then came the most bright and colorful swearing session I'd ever heard. I still take example from it from time to time!

In the end I barely managed to pipe in that I wasn't 'Jessie' as I then learned he was called. I told her the first thing that came to mind, that I was his messenger. I still cannot express in words the disgust I heard coming from the other side of the line.

"He stuck it into the _messenger_!"

And I still cannot express in words the gratitude I felt towards my mind for being too scared to make a mental image at the time, considering who my two 'Jessie's were at the time. Although now... ugh no...that's disgusting...I'm imagining...!

...!

You know what I think, I think I'll take a light breather until next time. _**Until then my little pizzas!**_


End file.
